I Joke Because I Need Your Steam

Woman r guilty


Of course not, but the point made was as follows :

If women go for vaginaplasty or other ‘lotions’ to tighten up the vulva to please the men or themselves, or go for younger ‘studs’ to literally fill themselves up, they actually are underscoring the value of size, the rub, and virility or hotness of vitality for themselves …

Which is fine in itself, for themselves. Except that it is not. For, why then is the society shocked or hold men guilty when they go for their preference for size and softness, when they fall for younger gals or have mistresses, or when 60 year old Saudis marry 10 – 12 year olds ( it’s legal in their country ), or when 1% of men can’t contain their desire overdrive ( any statistical distribution curve would be their alibi ) and grab girls in manner they legally should not… such as kidnap, molestation or rape ?

I have to agree that ‘women’s lib’ trend should allow women the same statistical allowance for some of them to kidnap, molest or rape men.

But, of course, I find myself covered with stupidity :

Society rightly want men to desist; but from how it’s going, by the time men reform or even before, women would need to be handed the same advice, to “desist.” Untill there is no one to advise or listen.

Would the wiser ones, especially women, clarify the argument ?

For me, the issue might start with men or women, or both, but its resolution must end in the family. Anything, act or value, that harms the family, breaks or erodes trust, or creates an unbridgeable distance, should be unacceptable … inelectable, howsoever pleasureable or legal it be, or legitimate and right it may seem !


English: Young Saudi Arabian woman wearing Isl...
Young Saudi Arabian woman …

Journal : First Social Nursery

Pitching For The Family

Family 7

I take no religious cue and quote no reference text in saying that a Family is an institution. However loosely, it has a purpose and a mandate, an organisation and a structure, values, behaviour and attitude norms, and interactive processes to abide. That it is not a formal or legal entity, and is without a documented basis to exist or function in the way it does, does not mean that it should be flouted nor automatically invite transgression.

The family is like a lamb or cow you could easily slaughter. If we do not, at least among Hindus, Zoroastrians, Sikhs, Jains and Buddhists, it is because they give us more while they are alive, healthy and strong.

People in other cultures constantly invoke individual rights to disown and deny, and walk away from the cohesive ambit of their respective families. Also, parent’s make a life in togetherness difficult by attaching conditions; and marraiges today, with or without pre-nuptial agreements, already envisage a separation sooner or later. As a result, families keep getting dysfunctional all the time and are destroyed within the span of a few generations.

But the family is the closest and the most immediately natural group, of which we are a part. To avoid going generic, I would present my view of a ‘ fictional ‘ family, as it would be in the Indian context : one perhaps I myself would be happy to have despite the imperfections and peculiarities of its individual members !

 A family aims to …

01    To Pursue Collective Material Abundance and Emotional Happiness

02    To Promote Personal Growth – Professional and Intellectual

03    Honour Individual Goals for their Spiritual Fulfillment

Not every member of the family would be inclined or capable of furthering along the stated purposes and values. There would be those who would stop at the material and the emotional. Others would be more willing to put in the effort for educating themselves further and a rare one might pitch for more morally evolved strengths and awareness.

The personal values and rules of behaviour however is set for all by the instituted purposes : at cooperating among themselves for collective material abundance and behaving with sufficient care and mindfulness, especially towards the weak and more disadvantaged, to allow collective emotional happiness.

The family could have additional commandments in their values system… say,

” We will never wrong others,” or

” We will respect facts and truths against our opinions or assumptions,” or

” We will always restore trust among each other and act in fairness,” etc.

These exposures form our ‘samskaras,’  the bedrock of values-perspective we bring to the world as adults.


The Father in the family is the head of the institution, above all, by virtue of his being in a position to best represent the family values, guide it through the present and keep its future in his trust.


The Mother, again, is a position in the family that keeps it together, serves its vital needs and answers the emotional call of individuals in the family.

It is clearly important that the Mother and the Father have an open and smooth communication line between them. They must have the maturity to come into conflict on occasions, even rage at each other on issues, but withdraw sufficiently well in time to reassess and cool off enough to understand the other’s stand. It is necessary to appreciate that what is on table is institutional in nature and not a matter of mere personal preference. For instance, a member’s need for food cannot be ignored just because one is busy or does not “feel” like it. Similarly, a decision to invest cannot be taken at the cost of essential need of a member or if it makes the family’s material life miserable.



All members are to be as children of the family. Adults must add to the family’s purposes to the best of their abilities. They also have a responsibility towards themselves which, if they do not, would adversely affect the family as a whole.

Children, yet growing up, must obviously strive to add to their learning, experience and skills, emotional balance, conviction on facts and capacity for critical thinking.

All children however, regardless of age, must defer to the Father and Mother of the family, who are dedicated to its purposes. 


Accepting Queers

A family that does not have a place for personal imperfections and peculiarities, even vice, is heading for extinction. Institutionally, it should be able to encourage the individuals with patience and love, for them to establish a moderation in respect of such deviations. Other members, despite conflicting values, should be able to accommodate the departing behaviour or deviant goals, and accept the person for what he or she means to the family in institutional terms.

No member of the family, including the Father and the Mother, should be expected to be a paragon of ALL personal virtues at ALL time. And, it is actually easier to accept the odd weakness or failing of anyone when the primary identity is institutional, rooted in the family.

Let’s raise a happier family;

let’s contribute better

to the happiness of one

we are already a part of !


It seems to me that life is more “flowing” than about hard divides : nesting and unnesting. Of course, they are very admissible concepts : the building up for children to grow up and withdrawing so as to send them away. But that it excites one to implement in practice, or not, or to what extent, is a cultural matter.

The Indian way would always keep the family meaningful to the children, wherever they might go and howsoever they choose to live. They are always welcome to their parents home, whatever their need or motivation. Sometimes it’s just so that may relive the child in them … and go back to their post to take on the world. After all, one needs a parent or another child’s company to really be the child.

On the other hand, we have the concept of “outgrowing,” which is more in the mind and in our knowledge. There is a more real dismantling of the sense of earlier attachments and ownership … a flowing out of the family memes, even while continuing to anchor the legacy in children’s expectations.

It’s only after the final departures of the parents do they realise and accept that they can be children no more !


Social Media Citizen Initiative

My thought for the initiative started

with a desire to meet people …

and forge personal links with individuals I would value …

People who are capable of saying, “I want nothing for myself …”

who are already espousing simple human values,

quite apart from the other affiliations they may or not have

politically, socially, professionally or community-specifically. 


The initiative will be, by its embracing nature, a global one.

But it will start small with a series of meetings with people in Delhi and around,

before spreading out to Social Media Citizen communities

coordinated by altruistic individuals in other Indian metros.

I imagine the moral support of people who are abroad is invaluable

even though they might not participate in the regular meets

except during their sojourns here …

or of those in India who are unable to travel and be physically present

for whatever reason.


We all would have no need of a harangue on what issues to champion

or outrage against. We have already been doing it in our own way,

to the extent we can or are comfortable with. There’s nothing more

to be added or explained.


And, this isn’t an organisation in the making with offices and office bearers,

or hard structured hierarchies. If at all, it will be voluntary, found on love

we have for each other, for the spirit we have to welcome or defy.


Far from big money, there is no money in this initiative !

Everybody remains as free and unburdened … but now

in association with others who may not exactly be of like mind

but are definitely of like spirit : socially conscious, politically sharp and empathetically universal.


I have opened a Google doc for individuals to self – enlist in the initiative

http://fe.gd/6sZ   Please do so. At the moment it has just one … !



Journal : The Modern Contradiction We Live To Chase

All identities, esp religious and political, demand loyalty to a “Super” Order …  a Church, an Ummah, a Socialist Internationale, a Maoist dream, a grand global collective that bars dissent. In aspring to such a grand social or political order, it actually strikes at the *family* affiliation, the first informal institution and nursery of love that has little difficulty in embracing dissent.

But super orders insist on an exclusive affiliation, an uniformity in their ranks, raised along a rather tall hierachical structure, that brooks no deviation. It has set values that deny diversity of human thought and dismiss the creativity that the child in us delights in. The denial rules out a better or improved understanding; the dismissal takes away from our lives our capacity for love, our joy and happiness.

What remains, without the freedom to soar in thought and expand love in our hearts ? A society without family … the one and only collective that includes diversity of human nature, understanding and creativity. That is a recipe to a terrible disorder, not a grand order … for at no time and under no circumstance can human beings live without those freedoms, that allows us to meet again in love after pursuing our diverse ways, however long it takes, and makes reconciliation a natural, pervasive matter of fact in lives.

What remains is what we modern men see about us : failed religious orders, failed political dreams, failed education systems, failed democracies, failed enlightened values, failed behavioural norms, failed … human beings !

It’s the modern contradiction we are living, the chimera we are chasing without the family … that alone will accept us as we are, encourage us however different we seem, imbibe in us that sea of tranquility and rootedness signified in our feeling of love, on which we can build an understanding that is at once beautiful and true, and good for us all.

Let’s embrace the family. Let’s raise one in love, peace and knowledge. Let’s set the tradition, in truth.

Journal : Awakening … Into The Truth

II          What is the truth ?

It is that which supports the entire tangible and intangible domain, that exists by its own potency and cannot be contradicted. It is everything material, physical, mental, psychological and spiritual … all that are perceived to exist of their own accord and power. It is existence that comes to be, whose being cannot be denied in its moment or eternity, through which it continues to be. It is the substratum with which the unmanifest subsists, of which forms are manifest, into which all being de-manifest and subside.

We could have an idea of the truth as an all-inclusive sum of facts and the history of each over time, if we knew. Whether in respect of objects, the subject, or both in their relatedness, truth is a realisation that is over and above what we know, that circumscribes and permeates all we experience and perceive, and is hence transcendental. It is inseparable from its knower, forever preceding it, constituting and illuminating it, casting its light upon the mind and all things in our sense and perception. In the absence of the knowledge of this truth, our sense of the self is without the eternity at its support and the truncated awareness remains in its individuated in-itself emptiness that we abhor or its transient for-itself preoccupations that take us through respective existential cycles of will and want, emotion and thought, idea and vitality.

An objective fact is a local truth of the moment that excludes us. Clearly, it is impossible for us to be objective about a being, person or thing, with which we already relate. If it isn’t the thing, then our subjectivity would be found in the act, the need of being objective or drive behind it. The most unrelated of facts or object is perceived with its form and nature, its causes and effects, while our attention is led to the dark domains of ignorance within us. It makes us dream of horror, romance, profit or sheer disinterest, while our perception of the image in our awareness changes in tune with frame in our dream. It might take years for the mind to clarify, and ages if the intent is to purify.

Truth arises when we are aware of being as it is, without our least interpretation of it. It may start with anything phenomenal – physical or mental, but soon extends to include our self and the universe. It takes a while, a long while from the start, before the mutating interpretations of being die down and give way to the unchanging perception. We then know the truth.

However wide its scale, the knowledge of the fact remains formal, leaving the knowledge we have of ourself untouched and instead prompts us with emotions and drives that lead us to action, with a profit in view. It doesn’t become intimate and informal until our enquiry expands to discover how the fact, its sources and effects, subserve our environment near or far, or directly impact our body, senses, mind and being. Inclusive extension and interpretive absence – nothingness, if we will – transports awareness past the veils of ignorance upon it … when there is no distance or separation, and cognitive mediate, between ourself and the truth : we then know ourself as the truth and the truth as our self, and find in ourself the capacity for perspective that includes both the fact of being and the being in truth. As a corollary, we then assign to the object being the same importance we reserve for ourself, and every fact is owned subjectively with the same regard as the body-mind bing assumes in our sense.

All existence, beings and things, including our body and thought, are matters of fact. The material ones are gross; the mental forms we sense are subtle. We may have a degree of intimacy with our material possessions and with bodies that please us, that we use frequently or sensually interact with, but the sense of that intimacy is subtle, within us, as a form of mind-stuff = feeling or emotion, thought or knowledge. The sense we have for each object is a historical reduction of experience subtly impressed upon our mental being, as a drive of one kind or other – desire or revulsion, hatred or want, or any other in between.

Infrequently, in evolved minds, the urge would transcend the desire – hate spectrum of vitality and will, and lead to curiosity, awareness of a gap in our knowledge that bothers, causing an irrepressible need to know. It is the hallmark of a refined human being.

Journal : Serialised Story

Lifetime In 36 Hours

The last you heard of it was when the Chapter I concluded with :

… There was nothing I could add right then to what she was already doing to fill on her want. 

” Telescoping our sight on our being does bring much of our life into focus. They reveal the emotion being for us to know all that we are not. It is what we want in it that roots us, and lets it defines us. The want is the error. What is ours is the curiosity, the quest to know. Spot it and resume with the being in quest. Know and move on. There is nothing there to hold on to, nothing in it to claim as yours.” 

The distance must have shown on the visage, as she gravely pored over my face for the longest moment with a firmness of resolve. 

I picked up the book but soon snoozed over it. I had poured the oblations on the crackling fire within her. The result would arise. Read more here …

Chapter – II

I woke up to call for lunch. Silence through that tête-à-tête with food, the body and its vitality, served well. The train was rushing over land rich in Vedic spirit, Muslim life, British colonialism and Indian revolt. I was still at the window, legs folded, a pillow at my back. She, at the other end, a leg up, half folded, the other on the floor. Simple trapezoidal lenses in a light frame rested easy on the bridge of her nose. I felt, we were friends … a happy sense of togetherness. Priceless, I thought.

” There is an integrated form of grouped impressions behind this sense of being we have of ourselves, as this individual we each are. It appears to us as exclusively ours and extends all over the space our lifetime has covered, the experienced impacts impressed in the vital-mind, shoring up our I-sense. Its roots go fathomlessly deep into time. In effect, it subconsciously limits the content in our interpretation of what we experience to forms of reactive feelings — emotions that end at want or desire. All our animated life is lived as emotion.”

” I do see, above all, in my own instance. But where specifically is the problem with the process ? We do not seem to mind it. Why should we seek to change that ?”

” Because we are allowing what has been in our past to interpret what is happening in the present, now. We are not listening to what is before us, but to impressions from the past.”

” That’s horrible, like a prisoner blinded decades ago … who has no sense of what is in view now, has not connected with the present in a long long time. Horrible ! And he doesn’t even know. Most horrible ! Terrible ! Terrible !”

The reaction seemed a shade hyper. But I could se she has taken it very personally, intimately. She had pierced her heart with the thought of her wasted years, a life futile.

” It’s alright, Pam. The horror of this realisation is invaluable to rise of satya in our vision.”

I was concerned but could relate and empathise. In this country, people didn’t kill themselves with such an enveloping sense of annihilation. They renounced the world and walk away to heal themselves, serve in a temple, live with an ascetic, enter a monastic order, or simply disappear in the wilderness of forests and mountains. This darkness over the spirit was terrible, before the purge.

I could see her body heave ever so softly to her barely audible sniffs. She remained bent over forward for a while, closer to the ground, her head almost between her spaced out knees. It was exceedingly painful for the person with her pride, a life full of achievements and self-belief, I sensed. The universe was sombre just then. The noise of shattering completely clouded the pregnant opportunity for freedom and light to take over.

I was pained. We might know better but invoking that privilege for securing apathy was a greater darkness than all else. I could be as the train, railing forward without a mind to all that its passengers carried in their body, heart and soul. But the truth was that this being that was in me was also everywhere else, in all things and people.

She looked up. I gestured, if she felt better. She nodded. I sat a little more erect, breathing in deep and deeper, throwing out as long as it would. After the third, I let it on a more even course, deep but without the effort, more thin and easy. She straightened up, looked at me and held herself, and thought of using the washroom. Nothing would have worked better, to break the spell.

” Vam …”

The pause seemed significant … the sound of it certainly eased my concern. For a rebound, it was firm and clear. Seemed miraculous to me. I was all ears with abundant expectation. The smile was a consequence.

” Could I go back to truth ? It’s important.”

” Sure.”

” How do I regain myself ? My truth ?”

” First, you need to appreciate that the entire thing is a process of allowing ourselves to be charmed but refusing, in our awareness of ourself, to be claimed by anything, any person, any issue, any event, situation or experience, thought, idea or belief. They all are the other, not the stark self we each are. We can live without it all and must check ourself up on that. For a time, at least, we must be and know that being.”

” How about desire and want ? Surely, we are there where they are. Can’t say they are not what I am. They are our truth.”

” Seems like but no … you only have to look at a renunciate like Vivekananda, Ramakrishna, Ramana … we have a whole tradition.”

Hmm … so why am I so completely identified with them ?”

Because you want to, you want the experience that identity leads you up to, something that answers the call of the starved mind. It gives the feeling then that you are now complete and quenched but only until another time, another occasion of longing.”

So why and how should I disrupt it, as it offers to happen ? I am out of it soon enough when it’s done with.”

Consider what you just lived through. It is suffering, misery and unhappiness. Besides, the craving is a carryover within you from a long gone past. It’s not, never was, about the object or the experience we ever again crave for, and are poised on having every now and then. The incompleteness is ours, on account of absence of our self in it while the experience happens. Only by restoring our self in our knowledge that the lack can be fulfilled, not by the object of our desire or by more of the same experience.”

I let the insight complete itself : “ I believe, every experience brings out something from within our self. What we desire is that which is within us, which we forget in time and long for again and again. The desire belongs to the past, which our first experience with the object left us impressed with; the same object now before us has more dimensions than the one we hold it in, out of our desire for it.”

I looked away, into the afternoon outside. It was rich and deep, resting in itself, in the distance. Speech must take a pause, a long one I felt. The sheep were there but I wasn’t counting. I knew she was heading towards a circularity, a singularity that she was just not in a position to accept. We never do … because what the dualistic position offers shocks us, mesmerises us blind and enslaves us.

I noticed she felt alone and wished she would break the spell, out of the emotional depths and go on top of her thoughts. A walk in the coach corridor or a splash of water on the face would have served well. I could create a light moment but that would let the opportunity take cover. The rock would then have to be raised uphill at another moment of intensity, which do not come easy for lack of our invitation; the demon of our ignorance would live to be met another day.

Presently I stood up, told Pam I’d walk the corridor and, perhaps, open the door to the coach and spend some time. She nodded, then blurted if I was disappointed. It made me sit back, closer to her. I reached for her palm and held it in mine.

I’m sorry, Pam, if you feel that it mattered. Let me tell you that it doesn’t, for one; I am unimportant, if not irrelevant. And besides, I have nothing to be disappointed about. Quite the opposite, without any hyperbole, allow me to say : you are one of the bravest person I have known. You’ve been great, so frank and deliberate. And I’m so glad, grateful, to have known you. Just get on with the task you’ve chosen to deal with and let me know if I could be of any help. I cannot do it for you but you only have to reach out and you’ll find me happily extending whatever strength I am capable of. You are stepping up to attain what I know is of herculean dimensions.”

I sat with her, her palm in my warmth, for long enough while… till her moist eyes were clear again. She nodded, looking me with a togetherness that that was enveloping. I leaned over to hug her ever so slightly. She stayed. Pulling back, I thumped on my knees with vigour before raising myself. I went straight to the coach door and opened it to the gushing wind on my being.

Lead a Good Life, Everyone: Trey Malone’s Suicide Note — The Good Men Project

Lead a Good Life, Everyone: Trey Malone’s Suicide Note — The Good Men Project.

“…(Society) that pays some object form of lip service to the idea of sexual crimes

while working its hardest to marginalize its victims.

One where the first question a college president can pose to me,

regarding my own assault is, “Have you handled your drinking problem?”


“My story is far from exceptional in this regard…”

Yes, Trey, the story may not be … but you are.

My tribute … and God bless !

Hopefully, we’d do better, because you were.

Read more at http://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/lead-a-good-life-everyone-trey-malones-suicide-note/#v6PoCgGFAoqS0AgQ.99 



The Seven Vows In Sanatan Way

The Essence Of Hindu Marraige …



Groom :

You will offer me food and be helpful in every way.

I will cherish you and secure welfare and happiness for you and our children.

Bride :

I am responsible for the home and all household necessities.



Groom :

Together we will protect our house and children.

Bride :

I will be by your side as your courage and strength.

I will rejoice in your happiness. And you will love me solely.



Groom :

May we grow wealthy and prosperous and strive for the education of our children.

May our children live long.

Bride :

I will love you solely for the rest of my life, as my husband.

Every other man in my life will be secondary. I vow to remain chaste.



Groom :

You bring sacredness into my life, and  complete me.

May we be blessed with children, noble and obedient.

Bride :

I will shower you with joy, from head to toe.

I will strive to please you in every way I can.



Groom :

You are my best friend. Be my staunchest well-wisher.

You have come into my life, enriching it. God bless you.

Bride :

I promise to love and cherish you for as long as I live.

Your happiness is my happiness, and sorrow my sorrow.

I will trust and honor you, and will strive to fulfill all your wishes.



Groom :

May you be filled with joy and peace.

Bride :

I will always be by your side.



Groom :

We are now husband and wife. We are one.

You are mine and I yours, for eternity.

Bride :

As God is witness, I am now your wife.

We will love, honor and cherish each other forever.

*   *   *

I am amazed at the poetry …  Are you ?

From The Father Of A Prospective Groom …

My son is of marriagable age. His hormones must be kicking hyper. There’s little of the tamasic in his nature; there is rajas but sattva predominates. He’s refused to entertain the idea of marriage now, saying that perhaps he never will.

So one evening I sat down ruminating over what I would say to a prospective bride, or rather to her father, in pitching for the reluctant young man in my house. Here’s what I may …

*   *   *


I would like to introduce our family to you, the father of the girl, to her, and to her lovely mother who has so excellently brought her up.

I am the father but I do not speak on behalf of my son, who I wish would marry…  because my son feels he is not ready yet and, at times, opines that he would not to marry at all.

I see his reticence as normal. His coolness towards the idea of bringing a fifth member into the family, in his own words, is because he ” would not like to risk the happiness of the family,” as we are blessed with.

We are a modest but immensely happy family of 4 people : me, wife, the elder son [25] and younger one[22]. It is the elder son I speak of, whom I would like to see as married, to raise a family with values we all very consciously subscribe to.

The mother in the family is religious and takes to traditional ways but the rest of us are liberal, emancipated humanists who believe in God, in spiritual evolultion, and more in purity of intent and character than in religious rites, rituals, worship or pilgrimage.

My son is into software and is currently abroad. He would back in Feb ’13 for a month.

He was born on 18th of June, 1987, in Calcutta where I had my work.

We – the three here – are currently residing in a leased, spacious 3BHK flat in Crossings Republic, Ghaziabad. The younger son will appear in CA Finals in a couple of years.

As a family, we are of Shandilya gotra. Our forefathers migrated, I believe, about 15 generations back from the Hiamlayan foothills in Uttaranchal and settled on a huge tract of land by the Ganges in the plains close to Buxar in Bhojpur district.

Our native village is known after our surname, as Tewaripur, where we have our inherited house, or what remains of it, and a small piece of land. I maintain no interest in the ancestral property however nor any substantial relationship with my relatives by blood.

I myself am at an age when I have signed off all professional work after a long stint in the corporate world, perhaps ten years earlier than my contemporaries would. I have pursued a lifelong interest in our spiritual heritage instead and actually believe that we are all gods, capable of highest character and capacities. So have my sons been taught. I personally regard my family life as being played out in heaven, veritably among gods and a goddess !

Which is why my son does not wish to bring in a fifth member into the family … so as not to disturb its joy, our life in empathy, and the transparent regard we each have for others.

But we are in the process of acquiring land in rural paradise down South, in the midst of hilly greens… and are on way to building a home for this “values lineage” in a couple of years …  which will be a rather large three storied monument for the family size at present. We hope the numbers to increase in years to come, when the new abode will fill with our sons’ families, and their children… at least when they visit from to time before retiring from their respectiveprofessions in due course.

Would your daughter be interested and consent to the honours, Sir, of being the fifth member of our family ?

Please ask her to read this mail and obtain a picture of the family, as I have tried to truthfully present.

   For the rest, I may state that :

– Though liberals, we very proud of our sanatan heritage,

   very accomodating but uncompromising in family values,

   and have set a standard of moral probity and ethical conduct for ourselves;

– No dowry, not even if the giving makes you happy;

– Civil marriage, duly registered in law, followed by very modest celebration;

– Absolute committment to an evolved life of empathy, compassion,

   reason and renunciation, freedom and happiness.

Kindly let me know if you find transparently happy reasons for us to take our discussions forward.

With best wishes and regards …

Vamadevananda –

*   *   *

Serialised Story : LIFETIME IN 36 HOURS

What transpires between a man and a woman when they spend time together in an small coupe all to themselves, on a train that will take them to Kalka and, from there, to Shimla through a journey of about 36 hours … ?

There’s absolutely no chance of it being a love story … but I do see a spiritual thriller in the situation.

“ What remains with two people who come together on promise of love but do not empathise in their unity, and diverge away from-each other ?”

“ What remains with two people who come together on promise of love, deepen their empathy, and unite to mean everything to each other ?”

[ These questions would occur to me when younger and I’d actually posed them to a couple of my friends who were in a relationship then.]

Chapter – I    … contd.

I could sense the difficulty in actually fathoming the difference between formal and informal phenomena. Living on the outside, among other matters and things, people and beings, and thinking … of all our concerns in terms of ‘others’ to oneself. We seldom look inward and observe this universe that is us, oneself, to oneself… in the manner of a research project for mapping the processes occuring within – body, vitality, vital mind and associated subconscious phenomena. The start was difficult; progress close to impossible for most. I prayed to this absolute prime mover within me. 

I can see now, why the word would seem so empty of content despite its familiarity. I’d heard of Satya all my life but always associated it with facts, the few I knew and the rest I still had to.” 

” We all did.” 

She was very serious, thoughtful, as if she were speaking to herself. I nodded, smiled with complete empathy before looking away. This needed a longer interregnum for the shock to subside. 

Sitting cross-legged at the other end of the berth, it was the longest she’d gone self-absorbed, in complete silence. Her state of crisis, probing into the darkness, unable to switch her own light… drove me up into my soul. She was physically still and her breath even, not truncated on its way in or out. A happy surprise, and a good omen. 

Looking back on events from that time she had boarded, I felt within an underlying gladness for having an evolved travel companion such as she was. Spiritually, it had been exceptional. 

A piercing whistle from the train caused me to glance at her, while the sense of gratitude still rested on my heart. 

She was eying the floor in front of her, rested but still absorbed. Amazing, I thought. She looked up from there, straight at me. 

” Yes, I can see the person, the events and mental space-time universe. I want to share it with you so that I can ask some more of you. I believe I am trapped in a fulness that has proved empty.” 

I wasn’t sure she should. I was no teacher. Nothing in my perspective or way of life resembled those set by the ideal ones. 

” Are you sure ? I would suggest you don’t, especially the personals that have remained private thus far.” 

” That, I realise, has been a mistake. They all now seem more universal than private. It remained with me because of the absence of someone I could confide to. And because I never felt the need or urgency to do so till this moment.” 

” And why do you believe you could share it all with me ?” 

” Because you have compassion towards my failings and the kindness to extend help. And you have no interest in possessing my body or mind. This is how fearless and venturesome I feel with you.” 

This was a high I was wary of. Very. But a hovering look at the being out there, reaching in through the window, set the matter to rest. 

” Yes, it is all more universal than personal; just the degree varied. They are aspects that qualify and distinguish the ‘ packet of being ‘ in an individual’s life from another’s. It wasn’t immaterial, for those variations of degree made a man’s experience rich or poor, but that still did not render it personal.” 

I looked askance when she looked up to me as if in awe. 

” How do you know all this… so exactly ?” 

” It is incidental that you find it to be so. I drew from what I know of myself. That makes it commonplace.” 

” So help me now. I can see myself but do not know, in the way you do… enough to know everything else.”


” Lead me on to how I may.” 

” First, why isn’t my truth not filled with as much content ? And, why does it not leave me free, to rise into its cause within me … and that into its ?” 

” Because, whatever is the context in your thought, its relationship with you leaves you dissatisfied. And, because it’s vital, that leaves you discontent with yourself.” 

” That should have been obvious. How to deal with it, as to move on ? That would be helpful.” 

” There is no set rule I know of, valid for every individual. Perhaps, if you keep the matter in your understanding without forcing a solution, a way out would appear in view. In the meanwhile, you could spot another context with which you happily relate, to restore the sense of well-being and gratitude for being how are. Everybody is dissatisfied in one context or other.” 

” Excellent. However unawares, I have actually followed the suggestion all my life. Yes… it is plain here and now.” 

” No wonder, you are so spiritually qualified, if not actually evolved.” 

” You really believe so ?” 

” Yes. It’s been, as you said, plain to me … here and now !” 

We laughed. The beauty of laughter wiped away her stress and anxiety of moments ago. I felt glad and grateful. The rhythmic rat-a-tattle of the train, cutting through the day, could now be heard, clear and pleasantly normal. 

” I was introduced to Truth formally, objectively, as a third or second person. I now find it positioned within myself, pertaining to my very being and to this subjective self. I have a notion it is independent of that too … that I may realise and raise myself free of my own subjective being. Please tell me it is true.” 

” It is true. And you will, one day.” 

” What should I do now ?” 

” Keep to it.” 

” And …” 

” Be happy among those who are, compassionate with those who aren’t. Be without fear, but not unwisely. Be kind to the miserable, unconcerned with ignorants. And be joyously forthcoming with one who truly knows.” 

I turned to another live page of my book of rules. 

” Be mindful of all you perceive, within and without. Be aware of everything in your experience. Be giving, not wanting. Never use a word without holding its truth within. And, always … always believe that there is someone looking after you, that you are not alone. “ 

” Wait … I wish to write that down in my diary.”


Journal : One Scorching Afternoon

… The Memory of Fullness

In that distant town since long lost

Among quarters low

Abathe in winds hot …

The Sun was ablaze

The noon poured fire

And sage mothers

Shut the doors

Downed all windows

And early retired

I lay …

Watch and fidget

That face asleep

Kindness incarnate

Breathing, chest amove

In peace

A hand of love on me

My mother stern

Still voicing concern

That I do not burn

In the inferno

Raging outdoors.

So there I lie, restive

Fiddling festive

Tuned in…

To calls from the Sun

The friends imagined

At games in coppice

In the streets empty

Small spaces free

Under the flaming tree …

But I lie, squirm anxious

Conflicted immense, restless

Between her soft care

The reposing heart pure

Being lined

In her countenance

In the weight

Where her arm rests

With affection

And holds me back

From the world manifest

And God… it is

My mother stern

Still voicing concern

That I do not burn

In the inferno

Raging outdoors.

And there … as I lay

She rolls over

Fading from me

Her magic arresting

Even as my empathy

Happily resonates

With yells beamed in

From the god loving

Who keeps bright

The illumined sights

Among friends in grove

In spaces curious

The flaming “gulmohar”

And all the games

We play under…

Like a loadstone out there

Drawing the wild in me

Causing me to rise

With care extreme

From the mat cool, of straw

Under house cat’s stare

That freezes me dead

Half way through

With a glare that said :

“Are you sure ? Is it fair ?”

But I am far too rushed

By crow calls

That seem so anguished

While still half raised

On an elbow, I chase

My mother’s forgiveness

And bow my spirit

To her small form

How devotedly tall

With rules I well knew

From her sharp blows

By the very arm

I still felt on waist

That tender embrace

Settled serene

And radiating grace.

Hung for ages thus …

Half raised, with feline Probus

My hovering thought

And her stare intense

Before I resolve the variance

Beseech the powers

On-high, for cover

Longing prayerful and deep

That moved the breath

I had held in me

Now certain and free

I decide to reap

My happiness, the mirth

In bright outdoors

Amidst the heat

Among the gods

And the trees

Along forlorn streets…

I stand full height

See the cat depart

And tip-toe carefully

To open the door

And close cautiously

To meet the glory

With a silent yell

The cool out there

On the hot steps

With a heart pell mell

On a muffled start…

I latch back the gate

Touch fondly

Its weathered face

Watching thoughtless

Sensing the bond in place

Before gliding away …

Merry, merry, below

The Flamboyant’s faith

Moving songs of joy

Tingling mottled shade

On gnarled roots bobbed

Like ancient stays

That umbrella bright red

Blooming welcome heartfelt

Between the sun and earth —

A mighty fine mid – day…

I stoop in wonder

Of the streets yet bare

And readily oblige

A scorching wave

And pick up to peel

An unopened bud

Pluck out a stamen

Lock its bobhead

With another proud

To force a war

Of tugs and scars…

But the thought sudden shoots

‘ Where are they, bandicoots ?’

Now collecting the pebbles

I imagine possible feuds

And squat at last

On one exposed root :

‘ Where are they ?’ I dilate

Sketching lines on ground

Crisscross and straight…

Feel the ball, just then

In my trouser pocket

Bump it hard on earth

See it rise to zenith

And catch it on the trot

In one happy swoop …

‘ The game’s on elsewhere !’

One step, then two

Into howling blare

Past houses silent

My raging despair

‘ Implore the parents, shall I ?’

No, that wouldn’t be fine

I feel, bare feet on grass

By the tar road, sparse

Build a sprint for the lark

Glowing fire on my back

I cross the road as it meets

The molten pitch, which sticks

Searing the sole, brisk

I jump over quick

To foot-eroded bricks

On the side path

And launch a canter sudden

Hearing the jingle, anon

Of marbles pocketful

The top unstrung

Spinning, it’s ecstasy

On the run

Swishing the ball mid – air

The baton perfectly swung

Lo ! The kingdom’s come…

The full view gladdens

Green grass, trees mum

And tall coconut palms

Sway to music pleasant

Wide open spaces

Fragrant and cool

A littered drain far

Falling to pieces

The algae on it thick

And dark

Of slithering snakes

Grown huge in the park.

The little king I am

Now free, not a sham

In sun and deep shades

My own escapade

Gained well in time

Constraints untied

At somersaults happy

Below a tree, helping

A girlish weed crushed

Looking over my own bruised knee

Always with an eye

For the pythons of the drain

Calling, aiming, punctuating

With hoops and jumps

Ha – ha – ha…

Times great extend

Till another arrives gleeful

Hailing cheer, wild prattle

Dancing, singing close

Holding warm to pointless laughters

Under a heavens mild

Suppressing a smile …

*    *    *

The illumined momentum of the melee

Today reveal truths

Simple, yet unsurpassed

Glowing undiminished

To this day …

The mother essence of life

That Shangri – la !

*   *   *       *   *   *

Journal : Three Poems


Gaiety all about

Good company, fine drizzle

Chow spreads great

Hearts free, loud people

We saunter lucid

Lost in perceptions wet

Breeze blows cool

By our glasses raised

To toasts joyous

With joined laughters

Then unmarked

Recalled now much after

Colours !  Colours !  Everywhere
Merry greets, embracing brothers
Expansive whirls to gods’ ardour
Without craft or thought
Or heart’s dark shadows …

Colours !  Colours !  Everywhere …
We meet, I lead her away
To read again
The book long open
With my confession
On page one …

Deep, without sobriety

Merged… lit complete

When, from within the drapes
Of her tresses, she laughs
And says :
“ I caught myself speaking
Of you all the time
For no reason or rhyme.”

Spaced full, I moon
In the glow wrapped
With the blessed one.

Spaced full, I moon
In the glow wrapped
With the blessed one.


After months of unconcern
I yearn to see her again
Rouged in blush …

That glow simple
The sparkling gush.

Nothing interrupts
As I find my way
Through the noise
That people make

Past the motion
And events…

At the door open
I halt to watch her
Raise the eye
And shoot her query
Expectant, without a word.

Instead, I soar on the scent
Of a surprised rose
And a silence
Lit in warmth.

We speak, but that
Isn’t high with me

Sitting just…
Facing the care
In smiles deep
And deeper still.

I flirt seriously
To its silliness.

Up for bye, the wave lingers…
Through dust and heat I walk into

While I get a hold on me
Resume with skill to raise
My world opaque
Lost on significance.

The game tires… it’s a race
Without real value or grace
So I go back for a moment
To the parting I feel
Lodged perfect
To all I meet

For, beauty
Is the first virtue
I found in my vitality.


Below, on the ground
Under the mango tree

One flailing, turning crow
Looks bewildered
Gasping for breath.

All local crows
Crowd about
Circle about
Flurry blind
Witnessing death.

The creature aground
Flips to its back
Wide eyed
And back to its side
As others poke
Bite and strike
For good old response
And goad him
To revive.

But he’s lost, losing sharply
Gaining more
But sheer incapacity
Bewildered, bearing high
The drama last, of life
In anguish and pain
But ‘thout craft
Or cruelty.

Just concerns loud
On flapping wings.